How did we not see this back then?
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I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.