How did we not see this back then?
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Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
titanic
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
LOL
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
This will never not be funny 😭
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you