Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.

i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby

My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*

*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*

My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.

them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm

me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark

This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”

“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”

“Honey, what movie are you watching?”

“Our wedding video.”

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener

Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.

My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard

ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.

Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’

[arriving in hell]

devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*

me: *starts eating*

devil: wait, how?

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

Tuesday