Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.

me: (11 pm) 😴

me: (1 am) 😴

me: (3 am) 😴

me: (5 am) 😴

me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!

If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.

Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.

How do bananas greet each other?

“Yellow”

I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes

Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear

Me:

Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.

Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls

After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”

He was like “yeah, but never 3”

I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you