How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
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I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up