Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
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I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
subtitles are so good nowadays
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”