How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
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just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”