Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.

Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job

Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky

Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.

Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.

Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

Husband: Um, what are you doing?

Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor

Husband:…

Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.

Me: there there. No need for ugly crying

Him: I’m not crying

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask

me: no you can have them

You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.

Snow, maybe.

Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

getting old is fun

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.

My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”

*Caterpillar marriage therapy*

Wife: he’s not the man I married

Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.

*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*

Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?

-People who are about to piss you off

Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.

[later]

Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.

One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.

If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.