How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
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When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM