“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
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As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
I’m not sorry.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.