Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

Can’t. Being lazy.

My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.

{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers

They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.

I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.

It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.

Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…

My wife is available.

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.

friend: don’t worry so much

me: omg why what will happen

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.

Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.

HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.

Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.

What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?