Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN

If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!

Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?

Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??

Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN

Do one thing every day that scares people.

seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else

the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes

Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?

Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!

911: Have u tried looking in her house?

Turtle: oops never mind.

5: how many numbers do you love me?

Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much

5: aw I love you 24

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.

The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.

thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction

My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”

Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”