Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out

[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room

{ later at party }

man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING

me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful

[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*

I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.

If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it

*loud crash*

15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!

13: The key word being “almost”.

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.

secret recipe

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

*pronounces patio like ratio

Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!

“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie