How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
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[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
it’s finally my moment to shine
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.