Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

absolutely not

“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”

*Checks soles of both my shoes*

“….left, ladies.”

A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”

~ whiskey

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

Breaking news:

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)

[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day

farmer: hay

horse: I have a boyfriend

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.

Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…

Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]

…EXACTLY.

Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

Librarian: Can I help you?

Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Me: No…

Librarian: One day that will work.

*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*

The future is now.

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.