“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
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I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in