“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
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King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Good lord
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.