“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
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Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾