“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
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Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
smh
File under excellent bookstore names.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.