“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
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I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
BaD BoY!!
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.