“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
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Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
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sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!