“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
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My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Good boy 😂😂
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.