Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…

Teamwork makes the dreamwork

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

How to cow tip:

First, sneak up behind the cow.

Next, get into a wide stance.

Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.

colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund

Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?

Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.

Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.

u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith

They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.

[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: A penguin.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.

ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”

Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

[watching paint dry]

“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”

If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.

WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.

My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.