Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.

I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.

They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.

3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean

me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water

3: [smiling] I already got ice water

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim

They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes

Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.

Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.

every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box

Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

you come to me? on a friday at 4pm

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

Ah..makes sense now

You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?