How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
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I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Thank you 🥹
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.