How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
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Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife