Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
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ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
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I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.