how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
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Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Proctologist = Analyst
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]
Me: Oh. You’re staying?
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.