how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
You Might Also Like
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Huge if true.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.