how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
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Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
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As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Finally a use for spoilers…
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i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately