how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
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A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Not😆🤣
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.