How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
You Might Also Like
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
just bought 4 pounds of cherries like I’m in some f***ing math problem
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]