How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
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My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Happy Friday
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
*watches the world burn*
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.