I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
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Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?