How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
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SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.