How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
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” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny