How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
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“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.