How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
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my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now