How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
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Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
if i’m ever in a coma please put chapstick on my lips
I am a man, a man with a cold, so I guess this is goodbye.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
whenever i wake up before my alarm
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.