How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
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him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.