How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
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figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.