How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
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I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Unimpressed
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Jurassic park gets weird
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior