@SamGrittner

How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?

You Might Also Like

@HomeWithPeanut

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

@KrangTNelson

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

@Thaat_guy

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.

@Hormonella

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

@PhilLaysheO

Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.

Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.

@HarleyPlays

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

@badbanana

Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.

@LurkAtHomeMom

I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.

@NYC_Blonde

Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR