How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
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DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
🍞🦆
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
mom gave me mine for free
the last thing a carrot sees
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.