*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
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Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR