How do dragons blow out candles?
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Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.