How do dragons blow out candles?
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[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing