How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
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“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Personal question. #JustSaying
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I have a black belt in leather
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that