How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
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Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.