How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
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Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
😂😂
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
what the hell girl, sure
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth