How do German people not choke to death when they talk
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FINE, I WON’T.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”