How do German people not choke to death when they talk
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I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
more water
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
No. He’s not coming out to play
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.