How do German people not choke to death when they talk
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Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist
The new American dream is an alien invasion.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing