@T_Bonezzz_

How do German people not choke to death when they talk

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@obiwankesnowbi

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

@KalvinMacleod

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.

@hazelmotes1

I read an article about a stolen dog being reunited with its owner and it made me feel good to think maybe someone will steal my dog one day

@LurkAtHomeMom

The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.

@aveuaskew

Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!

@beefman138

Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

@Mr_Kapowski

My wife and I have an agreement with our 7 year old daughter

Don’t wake us up early on the weekend and we won’t abandon you in a mall

@BruceForce

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

@Tbone7219

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.