How do German people not choke to death when they talk

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*after sex*

Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”


I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.


I read an article about a stolen dog being reunited with its owner and it made me feel good to think maybe someone will steal my dog one day


The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.


Is this one haunted?
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!


Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*


My wife and I have an agreement with our 7 year old daughter

Don’t wake us up early on the weekend and we won’t abandon you in a mall


* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications


I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.