@T_Bonezzz_

How do German people not choke to death when they talk

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@AdamUrbane

If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.

@ch000ch

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

@TheToddWilliams

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

@momjeansplease

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

@ClichedOut

GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome

GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken

@RocketRankoon

Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”

@stargazer15_

I’m the kind of girl that will suck helium from a balloon and talk dirty to you in a Minnie Mouse voice.

Really dirty.

@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?

Me: For cups.

6: But you can’t drink and drive.

@DickScurvy

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

@mollypriddy

approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes