How do German people not choke to death when they talk
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Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Great game to play with friends
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Just ordered me some pizza!
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.