How do German people not choke to death when they talk
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[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.