How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
You Might Also Like
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
people who sit in a long line and aren’t ready when it’s their turn, should be sent to the back of the line to think about what they’ve done.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW