How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
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If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
The glockness monster
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
