Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.

700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”

Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

Kentucky names the shit out of places

First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”

Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…

I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.

PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it

ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you

it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

Always 🥴

Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.

It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney

Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.

(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!

birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex

Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone

At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.