Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites

Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Dr: Yes.

Me: No.

Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap

Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again

me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*

I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction

Me (a masseur): *applying oil*

Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*

me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.

Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.

He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.

When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.

Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.

for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.

My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.

When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth