How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
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How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.