How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
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[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Eat…
Jennifer who dumped me in Junior High now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
Oh, how the tables have turned Jennifer.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
I get sad when I see how old people my age are.
I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week