How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
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no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Only Americans understand
Best spoiler warning ever
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
When you put it that way… 😂
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film