How do horror writers compete with current events?
You Might Also Like
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
I think the cat got the dog high.
You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list