How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Hot hot hot 🥵
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
