How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
