How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
this is literally a CIA plant
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
lol
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
