How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I gave my kids one last chance to stop playing with their whistle in the house.
But they blew it.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
