how do i become a farmer do i apply somewhere or just like start digging
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We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Note to self: I am a note
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.