how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
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[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.