HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
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Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
they finally got him. they got macavity
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.