HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
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Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants