How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
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The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Doctor: Are you a danger to yourself or others?
Me: You mean I have to pick one?
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”