How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
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Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.