How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
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I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?