How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
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I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Seems legit
