How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
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“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*
My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times
My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds
A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”
There is still no bar
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.