How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
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I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”