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Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”