Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.

setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

marvel comics have peaked

DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread

Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.

It’s science.

Oh no 😂😂💔😭

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”

SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

Society: Dance like no ones watching.

Also society: Records it for everyone to see.

5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard

“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd

[walking out of restaurant]

DATE: let’s do this again

ME: thank god I’m starving

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

every college guy’s fridge