how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
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Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
A short story about romance.
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*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”