Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.

BREAKING NEWS

Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”

THIS JUST IN

…Apparently I’m God.

found my next D&D character name

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

Who called them mermaids and not scale models?

[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

I’d like to be alone now please sign out.

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.