How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
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Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.