How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
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I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
it be like that
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.